By Jeff Charles

Millions of Americans are going to die if Judge Brett Kavanaugh is appointed to the Supreme Court. At least, that’s the warning that the Democrats are issuing to the American public.

Ever since President Donald Trump announced Kavanaugh’s nomination, the left has been engaging in dramatic hysterics to stop the impending disaster. Witnesses claim they saw Senators Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) standing on street corners wearing sandwich signs which read “We’re all gonna die! Stop Kavanaugh!”

With the confirmation hearings in full swing, the left is rallying their forces and using all of their resources to keep this disaster from occurring.

Where are the Documents?

Democrat lawmakers have pushed back against Kavanaugh’s confirmation by doing what they do best: lying through their teeth. They claim that they need more time to read every single word the judge has written. “Yes, Kavanaugh has released more documents than any other Supreme Court nominee, but we need more,” said Leslie Hodgkins, a Democratic staffer. “I mean, we haven’t even seen any of the essays he wrote in high school. There could be evidence of racism there, and the American people deserve to know!”

Hodgkins also explained that the Democrats are trying to uncover any love letter he wrote to his wife when they were dating. “If we can’t find racism, maybe there are letters he wrote that might show misogyny. We need this information.”

Senator Spartacus Takes a Stand

Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) – AKA Senator Spartacus – has been at the forefront of the effort to save the world by ensuring that Kavanaugh never makes it to the Supreme Court. After his recent episode in which he claimed that he was going to break the rules by releasing Kavanaugh’s emails, he realized he had made a mistake. Apparently, he thought he could make a false claim about breaking Senate rules, even though he had already been permitted to publish the emails.

But Senator Spartacus has proposed another solution: Partisan gladiatorial combat. He suggested that Congress build a Colosseum and pit a team of Democrats against a group of Republicans in a fight to the death. The winner would decide the fate of Judge Kavanaugh. In a recent press conference, the neo-Thracian appeared in full gladiator garb complete with a sword and shield. “Of course, the size of the team of Democrats must be at least double the number of Republicans,” he told reporters, “Anything less would be racist and Islamophobic.”

When a member of the press asked him how having an equal number of members on each side would be Islamophobic, Booker yelled: “I am Spartacus!” Sadly for Booker, nobody else claimed to be Spartacus.

Protesters Arrested For “Annoying Behavior”

During the first week of the hearings, several leftist protesters were arrested for disrupting the proceedings. But it was the arrests of two famous demonstrators that sparked heated debate.

Actress Piper Perabo – who hasn’t been relevant in over ten years – and activist Linda Sarsour – who advocates for Sharia law –  were detained by law enforcement after protesting during the hearing. But contrary to popular belief, they were not arrested for disrupting the meeting.

Officer James Bell stated that these two women were taken into custody for a different reason. “I mean, a certain level of disruption is expected when you get a bunch of rabid Democrats in a room so they can be angry about whatever event is upsetting them at the moment,” he said. “But we arrested Perabo and Sarsour because they are soooooo annoying. I mean, has Perabo done anything of significance since ‘Coyote Ugly?’”

Kamala Harris Lies

After her comrades failed to make a difference in the struggle against Kavanaugh, Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA) took her shot while simultaneously starting her 2020 presidential campaign. During the hearing, she intimated that Kavanaugh had spoken about the Mueller investigation with lawyers working for Kasowitz Benson Torres, a law firm that the president has employed. Kavanaugh claimed that he never had such a conversation.

Unfortunately for Harris, Marc Kasowitz, a partner in the firm, affirmed Kavanaugh’s claims. Of course, this did not deter the intrepid senator. When confronted by reporters about her apparent deception, she said, “I know for a fact they are lying. My friend’s cousin’s hairdresser’s mechanic told me he saw the judge talking to those lawyers, so I know it’s true.”

Stopping Armageddon

The left will stop at nothing to keep Judge Kavanaugh from being appointed to the Supreme Court. Their allies in the legacy media are also supporting the cause. CNN’s Jim Acosta gave a report in front of the Capitol building holding a sign which read “Hey! I’m Jim Acosta! Pay attention to me!”

In his broadcast, Acosta said: “My anonymous sources tell me if this man is appointed to the Supreme Court, America as we know it will cease to exist. Millions will be savagely slaughtered like pigs. Men, women, children, and cute puppies will die painful deaths as soon as Kavanaugh takes his seat.”

Acosta wasn’t finished. He also issued the following caveat: “Yes, I know we said the same thing when Trump was elected, when Neil Gorsuch was appointed, and the tax reform bill was passed. But we really really mean it this time!”

There you have it, folks. Kavanaugh’s appointment to the highest court in the land will result in nationwide devastation the likes of which we have never seen. At least that’s what the left wants the public to think. Will it work? Are we all going to die? Only time will tell.

Read More - Satire: Fire, Brimstone, and Kavanaugh at Liberty Nation.

Published Date

Categories